Human By Choice II: A Vantage of Choice
(Note: Read this blog post first)
Nature’s path is free of pause. Water from a mountain is beautiful in the way it doesn’t need to be told to take the path of least resistance— it will find the most efficient and easy path down. A fish does not need to force itself to swim so finely. Air does not need to be told to fill the greatest voids. Heat will always distribute itself to what is cooler. And a star does not need to be told it is burning hot and bright. Yet we are taken by its wonder, as it burns through the night.
For human beings, our nature is to only ever select the best-feeling option available on our life’s menu. Given the set of choices available on someone’s map of reality, we will only ever select the best-feeling option available. Even if that feeling is negative. If it is the best option available, the human being in question will select it. This doesn’t mean that the best-feeling option is a good feeling either. It could be as horrible as choosing between sour milk and moldy bread.
The example of the lady in the this blog post demonstrates this: feeling alone and lonely is much better than feeling severe heart-break. Suppose you are confronted with two limiting options, panic or depression, what would you choose?
Another question: if you are a hardworking individual, what feeling does hard work give you? And, what feeling does not doing work at all eventually lead to? Likely. hard-work feelings more positive than not doing work at all.
Human beings don’t perceive reality and all its information— that is way too overwhelming. Instead, we build maps of reality by generalizing, deleting, and distorting information so we can automate day-to-day decision-making. For example, a flat surface can generally serve as a seat for your butt. It would be too much effort to consciously compute this every time you want to take a seat. We also delete information to avoid being overwhelmed by sensory stimulus—it is safe to assume there are many things that pass by your attention right now— try to notice all the things you don’t notice.
Change is about adding more choices (information) to your map that weren’t available then but can be made available now. Change is not about changing what has occurred. It is about making it available to choose differently about what did occur that can’t be undone. We aren’t removing pathways in the brain. We are adding new paths for the electrical currents in our brains to take. Paths of greater ease and speed.
With regards to safety patterning, is change as simple as just summoning the memory of the past and offering it respect sufficient to make things different now? Hard to say. It must be assessed on a case-by-case basis. It is up to the facilitator of the change piece to decide this.
However, in my experience, the first task we are faced with is helping the client access these memories. Remember, these patterns have been put in place for safety reasons. That means, they are often quarantined, locked away, and made unavailable for revising/further learning. Because the individual depends on this being so for dear life.
Until the quarantine is released there is no choice about having things be different then, now, and in the future. We discussed this in the previous blog post. In this post, we discuss ways the quarantine can be released. Several elements must come together, and we will cover them in this section.
Firstly, the client has reached a developmental window in life where mother nature gives them a nudge so that the quarantine experience can no longer be contained out of sight and out of mind. How this nudge manifests in people’s lives can be physical accidents, a sudden chronic illness, a big relationship upset, or a chaos in their professional career that seemed to be running so smooth to date.
Simply put, the choice to avoid experiences we have been resisting for so long, is taken off the menu. Most readers who find resonance with this text will be at the cusp of a big transition in life. And typically, they will be in the age brackets of: 18-22, 28-32, 38-42, 48-52 etc. Though that isn’t always the case, it does seem to be a trend.
The day I turned 27 years of age, my father was diagnosed with cancer. I was with him at the hospital when the news was delivered. 11 months later, my father passed away. My father’s death was his way of completing his life. For me, it propelled me on my new trajectory in life, both offering great challenges and great opportunities.
Let’ discuss the second element. At some point, the client might become so sick and tired of having the unwanted experience repeat itself they readily reach for resolution with a practitioner. That is also to say, the client has exhausted all learnings and choices that have been available in that experience they have been having.
What do you mean by exhausting all learnings available? We will cover this more in subsequent posts when we explore the Intended Positive Outcomes (IPOs) behind all experience.
Consider a friend who repeatedly finds himself at the mercy of narcissistic, mean, morale-annihilating bosses; male or female. Step into that gentleman who has stabilized that experience for say, 30 years of his life. Imagine what he has had to learn to survive that experience? He will likely be:
A perfectionist. He will do everything he can to make sure he can do no wrong such as to not be wronged by his boss.
Hyper-vigilant. He will always be on the lookout, since he will never feel safe. And he will always learn new material and do anything he can to know more, so he feels the threat less.
Both lend great strength to his profession and to his life. In fact, he is probably an overperformer by most people’s standards except his own and his difficult boss. And he likely has a tolerable stress threshold that is ten times the average person and is a most reliable person during times of crisis.
His safety patterning has served him well in life, in the context of professional performance. As we learn in the foundational presuppositions of Marin-style NLP: Every behavior is useful in some context. We don’t simply want to take it away from him. No matter how painful it has been or continues to be.
If someone doesn’t reach for re-solution, we can’t offer or force a re-solution. That would be the equivalent of trying to jam a spoonful of food into someone’s mouth without their wanting or their consent. Instead, we want to ask with appreciation and curiosity, any one or more of the following questions:
Has this individual exhausted the learnings available?
Has he turned over all the stones he wanted to turn over, in trying to deal with this set of patterning?
Is he finally wanting to ease up on life?
And what aspects of what has been occurring is ultimately in service of the new?
And if so, great! Then we can move to the next step. Which is addressing the client’s main concern and struggle. The main concern here is that this individual’s experience and behavior of hypervigilance and perfectionism is running on autopilot. He currently has no choice about whether it runs or not, when it runs or not, and with whom it runs with. Not that the behavior itself is bad or wrong. It has simply outlived its use in the context of what the gentleman would like for his life going forward.
He can continue drawing upon the gifts of hyper-vigilance and perfectionism as they can be of service to work quality and performance. However, as you and I know now, it is also equally important to have lasting bouts of rest and relaxation too.
Change and growth is all about adding more choice
rather than removing unwanted behaviors.
So, take log of your current life experience, especially the experiences you no longer want, and notice if you feel you have exhausted all the learnings available. How will you know? Take a best guess. And whatever the answer is, just take note of it.
Let’s now talk about the third element that must come together. The practitioner, in working with this individual, must provide adequate safety and appreciation for the clients’ life, and must be willing to go there with the client. Remember, without the appropriate safety, the reptile brain when under perceived threat, will go into; fight, flight, or freeze.
All of which are non-useful if you want to work with the client. All of which are non-useful if you want to work with yourself. There are many ways to build rapport with the client and self. And it isn’t a case of whether you have it or not. Rapport is a sliding scale that has no end points. Rapport is inexhaustible. The simplest way to build foundational rapport with another is to ask yourself this question:
In what ways can I mirror the client’s experience
so his or her critter brain perceives me as like-kind?
There are multiple ways. The rudimentary aspects include:
Physical mirroring. This is where we take on similar bodily postures to the degree available and appropriate.
Audio analog mirroring. This is where we match the tone, pitch, and pace of their speech.
Keyword backtracking. This is where we use the same words the client uses to communicate our message and intention to the subject.
Respiratory matching. This means breathing in sync with the client.
You may or may not be familiar with these skills. However, even if you are, it is important to notice that we are building trust and safety on behalf of the client and ourselves, so we can work to appreciate how they have stabilized their current reality. And, discover ways in which we can adjust things so their experience of life can be more congruent with their future aspirations.
As practitioners, these basic rapport skills are co-installed during live trainings. After a while, we don’t have to consciously think too much about doing it. It becomes as natural and instinctual as swatting a fly off one’s nose. As this is not available to be done in a text, the best way to build safety and trust in Self, is to truly recognize that whatever experience you are having that is no longer wanted is there for a deeply precious reason, and fulfilling an incredibly intended positive outcome.
The simplest way to build rapport with self, is to first communicate the following statement to yourself in the silence of your mind:
“Will the parts of me responsible for generating this unwanted present experience and behavior please come forth? Knowing, that no matter what you say or do, you cannot be fired from your job. You are a part of me after all. And if any, your coming forth might just help us all find ways we can help you do what you do for me, in even better ways. Ways that are becoming more available thanks to the more updated information we can share with you all.”
Then ask those parts the following questions in context of your unwanted present experience?
What good thing comes to me in having this experience you have been generating?
How old was the version of me who put you on the job?
What horrible thing might happen if I no longer have this unwanted experience?
Communicating with yourself as such is a maneuver from warring with Self, to providing adequate safety and appreciation for Self. And it is within this space of appreciation that you and the many aspects that comprise you can decide upon life anew.
The fourth element: we must also have a sense of the desired outcome for our lives. Without a new trajectory it is hard to say if the existing pain and undesired behavior is useful or not. If the client’s desired outcome is to have the same experience continue, then they don’t have a problem. However, in the example we have been discussing in this chapter, if the client would like to relax a little, take the time to enjoy the company he is with, and the many activities life offers him on the weekend, then things will have to be adjusted.
It is helpful to have a Point B if you want to move on from Point A. In Marin-style Transformational NLP, we refer to this as having a well-formed outcome. When a client has a well-formed outcome, we call it their Desired State (DS). There are many components to this. In simplistic terms, a well-formed outcome (DS) is:
Stated in the positive. That is, rather than saying “I don’t want to feel so sad at work anymore …” we want to ask the client, “Okay thanks. So, when you don’t feel so sad at work, what will you want to be experiencing more of?” Their response might be calm, at peace, happy, or a combination of all. We are funneling some of their attention on an outcome they can move towards, rather than an experience they want to get away from.
Sensory rich. This is to connect the client to the experience of having what he or she would like. If the client wants to be at peace and feel happy, and their face and physiology is the same as when they talk about being sad (e.g. head down, shoulder’s slumped, and their voice is soft), we want to wonder if we helped them access the sensory richness of having what they would like.
Initiated and maintained by Self. This is to ensure their outcome is stated in terms they can guarantee and control. They can control what time they wake up, if they would like. It is within their volition. But if their outcome is to have someone else love them, it isn’t well-formed. Whether someone loves you or not is not up to you. However, you can experience love in relation to self and others; whether someone else loves you or not. That is well-formed and is an important distinction to have when forming our DS.
This may come as a surprise to many people. But much of our aspirations, our wants, goals, missions and visions are not well-formed. Because it involves violating others’ volition and free will.
Yes, we can change the world. In fact, when we change ourselves we do change the world. However, to make others change is unworkable. We can influence them to the degree they are wanting and willing. However, to enforce our will on another is futile. Think about how much energy and attention is locked up in unworkable attempts to decide how life should be for others, rather than focusing on how we would like our experience of life to be for ourselves.
Consider what is available to us when we recall our attention to be in greater service to what is workable? So, with regards to forming a well-formed outcome, ask yourself the following questions in sequence:
What would I like?
What will having that do for me? (In response to the answer to the previous question)
How will I know when I have it? (In response to the answer to the first question)
Where, when, and with whom do I want it? (In response to the answer to the first question)
In Marin-style Transformational NLP (formerly NLP Marin), these questions are part of the Outcome Frame. You can ask yourself these questions as many times as you care to. They are designed to direct your conscious attention and intention to ways you can experience life anew.
Now, we are going to return to an exercise you are familiar with and have already been getting a hang of. With the power of your mind and the spirit of your heart, create a picture of a you in the future. That you in the future who is having the experiences you want. Take a deep breath in now.
And take another until you no longer must think about breathing deeply and regularly while getting through this. Nicely done. Now in the ways you can, and for the duration of time that seems appropriate, step into that future version of yourself.
So, there you are, now having the experience you were wanting here in the future. Sense what it feels like as you are being in this future version of you. And while you are there, notice what new details come with having what you want, now that you are test driving this future version of you.
As you scan this body, breath, and surroundings of this experience you are in, just notice what else you can notice. Got it? Great. Take a breath. While you are there, breathe it all in. Nicely done.
Okay. Come back to you now. The you of the now. The one who has the choice-making authority in all this. Feel your bum in your seat, and sense your fingers in your finger slots. Okay.
Looking at that future version of you, place an image of that future version of yourself you recently visited, somewhere to the top right of your field of vision. Set it where you would like. And, if you haven’t already, let the image of that future version of yourself pop out of your mind through your eyes, and into that location to the top right of your field of vision.
Lock it in place, and notice that it is safely positioned in that space you have chosen. Now breathe.
So, we are going to repeat something you have already gotten the hang of doing. Looking at the center of your being that is here and now, with your mind, draw a thread from the center of your being now, and connect it with that future version of yourself who is having the experiences you are wanting.
That is the being who is located somewhere to the top right of your field of vision. Make sure you have the thread connect them center to center, heart to heart. Okay. Nicely done. Breathe a little. And take a moment.
Now, notice the threads that connect that you of yesterday, to the you of now, and then the you of now, to that you of the future. Notice that the only way that that you from yesterday is connected to the future you, is via the you of now who has all the choice-making authority.
And breathe, knowing that all your experiences from now onwards, are choices you get to make, and in fact, have already started making. And from where you are now, notice the experience that comes with knowing you hold the only authority over all your experience. No one else but you.
Breathe. Let’s take a moment to breathe in a little more even. Till that is sinking and has fully sunk in now. This is a relaxing piece after all. And a lot of the work is completing without you having tried or noticed much.
All that is required is you take a moment to notice that all you need to do is get through this piece, and in the way your brain is already doing so nicely. There is no right or wrong way to do this. In fact, the fact you are doing it in the way you are, is the only and best way you can. That’s right.
You now have an outcome which you would like to direct your life’s energies towards. You also have sufficient rapport and respect for how you have been to date. And you likely on some level, have been reaching to complete a cycle of learning in life.
So, lastly, before revising things, or fixing things up so that they are any different, we must think about the impact it will have on your existing life. This is otherwise known as an ecology check. The question that will give us this information is:
How will this change affect the important aspects
and experiences in your life, positively or negatively?
Let’s go back to the example of the gentleman who feels stuck in perpetual hyper-vigilance. Remember, whatever experience he is having now, he is clinging on to for dear life. Whether he consciously knows it or not. In this example, if we fix it so it is different, the questions we want to ask are:
What might he lose that he values when he finally gets to relax in his job?
What impact will this have on his home life? Is he caring for a spouse and his kids? Who will pay for their living?
How might it affect his motivation and drive to perform, if his fear of being shamed by someone is no longer going to?
As you can see, changing what is, will adjust his reality significantly. He can wake up one day, and feel like a new person who has stepped into another world. Another probable reality.
And if the change is too far of a stretch, his system might just reset. Or, he could be in for a very rocky few months (years even) in life, where the world he knew gradually dissolves to make way for the world he wants. And during these times, it can be hard to recognize the changes as being positive or better than what they replaced.
The considerations I have discussed and shared are known as ecology checks. When we facilitate a client shifting from one probably reality to another, the transition must be considered with care. Not as if to warn people of the risks. But more to make change as elegant and seamless as possible.
Checking ecology is part of architecting a vantage of choice for your life. With respect to safety patterning, ecology checks reveal to us the choice variables that are presented to us (as in learnings). The facilitator, coach or practitioner’s role is to look at all the possibilities of how things could have been different for the client now, and which probable reality will be of greatest, smoothest, and congruent service to the client’s desire. In the example I have shared, the client’s desire is to relax and feel happy.
So, there you are. With regards to the past, the little version of you who generated the persisting unwanted experience you are having … it makes you wonder, how might things be different for you now, if we were to change things then? It also makes you wonder, who or what of value in your life now might be lost if things weren’t how they have been up till now?
Let’s find out. In the way you can, as you take a breath, transport yourself into the body of that future version of you who is having all the experiences you are wanting; heart to heart, lungs to lungs, and brain to brain.
As you let the experience of being in this future version of yourself fully taking form—take a moment to again get familiar with this experience of being where you want to be, having what you want to have, and feeling how you want to feel. That’s right. Nicely done.
You may notice, how strikingly familiar having what you wanted then is now, since many parts of it have already been in your grasping.
So, there you are, in this future version of yourself. Looking through the eyes of this future version of yourself, notice the experience this future version of you has, when connecting eye to eye with that version of you from yesterday.
Notice this future version of yourself relating to the version of you from yesterday—who you so conveniently placed in that location in your field of vision.
As you do, track your eyes along the thread that connects the you of yesterday, to the you who has all the choice-making authority, and all the way along the thread to this future version whom you are in now.
As you do, notice, and make note of all the things that must have occurred to have that version of you from yesterday become this future version now. Changes in people, places, or things perhaps. Just take note of what you notice.
And as you do, also notice what choices the you who has all the choice-making authority might have made in order to fast-track that process which has already occurred in the future version of you, where you are now. Thank you. Nicely done.
Being in this future version of you as you breathe and relax a little even more into this version of you—start to notice the sense of familiarity that pulls the versions of you in the past, to being this version of you in the future that you are experiencing now and experiencing anew.